Man's Awake

I couldn't tell it was the T~Spirit: no, not from that darkness, and there was no sexual aura with it at all which was very strange. He descended from the dark shadow cast by the bright full moon. He didn't come for Lust like he usually does. The darkness with him fogged the illumination from the full moon. He is the darkest angel ever. Even his hallow dimed than vantablack, but I knew he didn't come to do me evil. I can't say the same for my enemies because the look in his dark eyes was that of vengeance. His intent was pure as always except this night, it wasn't for pleasure; he descended as the punisher. Had I not decided to throw away my lukewarmness about God and my religion for the heart of steel, I'd have been scared. Yeah, I let go of my fears the night before. In doing so, I had to stand firm on my beliefs. That was the deal I made with Mother Nature, to have the unwavering heart of a mountain as my name, Peter, suggests but for that to be possible, pretending to believe in the indoctrination isn't a choice anymore. So I said to myself, "Boldness has no pretense", and left that lukewarmness behind!

Right after, I stared into those dark eyes and smiled. 26th February, this is the day I made it. The vibe transitioned into the next day, giving me hope. This 'hope' was more promising than last year's, 24th April. 

Let's talk about that'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' 24th April 2023

 Back to 24th April,

Today started very promisingly because I had something going good for me. Looking back, it was another wishful thinking. I made plans with my friend, Mag. He is supposed to get me something I desperately need. It's been a while since I had such high hopes for the outcome of my undertaking because nothing has been moving the way I want it for too long, leading me to decide that, things can roll however they will. But this is an obvious opportunity and with Mag's help, I'll turn things around drastically for the better. We've made plans about it so I called very early today and he promised I'll get it in 4 hrs. That was the last I heard from him. I called several times and texted when he updated his socials but he didn't answer the calls or text me back. I foresaw it was going to be another waste, the feeling you get before something shitty happens. And just as I felt, what I had been waiting on became another failed and unfulfilled attempt at changing this hollow life. The rest of the day is history.   

``` It's been a long time since I glimpsed at 'hope', a resemblance to the start of happiness, a layer to progress, a change to this sad, still, and chained lifestyle. Decided to watch anime cos I was sad. It is always a good distraction and it made me sleepy shortly after. But like pain comes, my sleepy mind decided to reflect on the events of the day rather than rest when I got on the bed. My mind incessantly reflected on how I had hoped, planned, imagined, thought, and felt this was it for me. This was the chance I got to stand on. Finally, the chance to grab 'the better' life. In the end, I gazed on as this good wave rushed by instead of riding it to a better me, because I leaned on a friend's help. Maybe I should've reached out to more people, or maybe, I should've tried options involving nobody else but my fucking self. Not that I didn't try to get it done by myself but I should've tried more and more and a whole lot more. Since I got in touch with Mag and realized he could help, I stopped struggling alone and depended on expectations, sadly.  How long should it take for me to understand the saying "When you have expectations, you're setting yourself up for disappointment".

There should be an improved me. Maybe, better friends. Lately, it seems the ones I consider my friends have been disappointing me very much whenever I needed their friendship most. Naa it's not lately, really, thinking back on it, that's how it has been. I see their friendship when the benefits are mutual. That's not such a bad idea but come on, shouldn't friendship be more than that? Not that I'm claiming to never have disappointed them, nevertheless, I don't when it can be helped. Oh wait, won't they have the same excuse? haha, am I being self-centered? Everybody has their excuse for doing what they do so what needs fixing is me. I need to better myself; to be able to get things done by myself, to not expect or depend on anyone cos I am enough. I hate making new friends unless with girls. There are about five people I certainly consider as my friends and I like that circle. We are brothers because I like the gang thing. A cult or clique type of person. I haven't stopped to check if that's mutual because it seems that's my interest and I'm living it, expecting that they're like that too, and living the same. 

When this chance popped up, I should've sought help from Josh but I didn't because he did something surprising about 2 weeks ago, which made me rethink all these years I've been counting him as my best and closest. 

Well, in the end, I fell asleep regardless.

25th April, 

Remnants of yesterday's disappointment have seeped into my morning. After acknowledging that I'm down and low-spirited, I talked and motivated myself to keep my head high because brooding over the past changes nothing. It wasn't easy getting off my bed. I stared at the ceiling and muttered to myself, "I'm broke and lost". My life is at a standstill. Nothing is going good for me. I dropped out of school, I've no professional skillset, I can't eat and live how I want, and there is no will to engage in work or any activity for that matter. Heck, I don't even want to engage any other living being. Why am I stuck in this hellish cycle? About a year ago, I was brimming with plans and ideas, and with no warning whatsoever, I'm living a hopeless life with a routine that is effectively keeping me in this fucking box I have locked myself in. Where's that opportunity I've always hoped to get? Where's the help and the helper? But despite these unpleasant feelings holding me down to the bed, there was a faint voice that echoed in my head " all you need is a sense of direction".  ~But I ignored it. I ignored the voice to remain in that hopelessness. I've been my own drag from the beginning. 

Yeah, I'm disheartened by my present circumstances and I'm hoping, waiting for that single miracle, that one push, the help or support to turn things around. Despite my efforts, I'm struggling to materialize my ideas.

So with all that stressing my mind, when I finally got up from the bed, I shouted " fuck fuck fuck", I took a deep breath and continued " fuck this fucking life". Then I wore my grey sweatpants and proceeded to the kitchen, hoping I'd get something to eat. It was more of a wish than a hope-wishing I'd get something to eat. The funny part was the disappointment that enveloped me when I didn't find any food. Come on Peter, why should you be disappointed? you knew there was nothing in there. Well if not food, at least some chilled water to start the day. I opened the fridge and the only chilled thing in it was the cold air that rushed out of it. Furiously, I banged the fridge's door shut.